Accutrap

Oh, the things we do for beauty and self-esteem.  I don't usually require much more than a semi-annual trip to Victoria's Secret and a Rite Aid brand eyelash curler, but the past year of city-livin' has really wreaked havoc on my mediocre complexion.  I've been on a number of medications of different classes, via different routes, since I was an awkward adolescent (I'd just like to point out here that I was never really that awkward).  Whatever, teenage years come and go and at some phase of life, you look how you're supposed to look.  That is, unless you live in something like one of the most polluted cities in the country.  After a several failures of new-to-me medications that my dermatologist had prescribed, he suggested Accutane.  Yeah, yeah, my skin really isn't all THAT bad, but after just 5 short months, I'll look like a Disney princess.  I'd totally settle for Pocahontas.

The catch??  Well, there are many.  More than a fisherman could ever want.

Urine pregnancy screening EVERY MONTH
Blood pregnancy screening EVERY MONTH
Liver function testing EVERY MONTH
Obtaining new scripts EVERY MONTH
A visit to the dermo EVERY MONTH
Psychological screening EVERY MONTH
Online quizzes about the drug EVERY MONTH

Let me spell out the implications.  Accutane has the potential for HUGE teratogenic effects.  No babies for me, or anyone else in the US of A who is on this drug, as a matter of fact.  Massive, massive birth defects.  Also, the risk of suicide or other psychological mishaps have been known to occur.  And you better not have any birthdays, job layoffs, or any other causes for celebration because Accutane is harmful to your liver.  That is why you get blood drawn on a monthly basis.  This shit needs to be monitored.  As far as the blood AND urine pregnancy screening goes?  I'm not sure why both means are required, but I guess the USDA wants to be more than sure that little acnified girls aren't running around producing mutant babies.

Once upon a time, as per my dermatologist, some senator somewhere had a son on Accutane.  The son (who most likely had underlying psychological issues) committed suicide.  This *may* have been what broke the camel's back.  See here, Accutane was removed from pharmacy shelves.  No one was allowed to have the stuff anymore.  Obviously, there are way too many side effects and adverse drug reactions than this pill is actually worth.  Or are there???

The thing is, Accutane is apparently so darned effective that pharmaceutical companies (I think) wanted it back on the market.  I'm sure dermatologists vouched for it as well.  The only way it would then be allowed to be sold again (at a little over a grand for a one month supply) is to make the patients sign up for something called the iPLEDGE.  I had to promise my doctor that I will not get pregnant (my friend Daniel and I have a joke that Mountain Dew and coitus interruptus are just as, if not more, effective than IUDs, condoms, oral contraceptives, abstinence, hysterectomies...etc.) under any circumstances.  Miss a period?  You damn well better come in to the physician's office for a Plan B and for heaven's sake, skip that dose of Accutane!!!  The iPLEDGE registry also makes you take monthly quizzes about the drug and the importance of not making babies.  Your doctor has to verify you in the system, then you verify you in the system, then the pharmacy verifies you in the system before you can turn in the script.  This whole process didn't happen so swiftly for me this past month, and I was taking off to Virginia with Jon Scott to visit his family for the weekend.  Since there was no time to waste and we had to get on the road, I had to leave Pittsburgh without my filled prescription.  Really shouldn't be that big of a deal.  After making a phone call or two to the local pharmacies in southwestern VA, I found that one store doesn't even carry it.  I'm not sure if this speaks to the cruelties/nastiness/dangers of the drug, or just to small pharmacies.  Perhaps I might find out from the former Midview Drug peanut gallery?

I hope that after all this crap I'm putting myself through I'll be so fresh n so clean and that it will be worth the risks.  I just thank heaven that god invented birth control.